Conan the Destroyer: SE

Phew. We don’t mess around here at DVDnet. It’s not enough that we bring you the best DVD reviews in Australia, nay, the world, we also go that extra mile and bring you the inside word exclusive only to DVDnet. Sure, it helps that we make this stuff up, but we only do it to be loved by you, our loyal house trained readers. For Conan the Barbarian, we brought you an exclusive look at the never released Schwarzenegger commentary, and this time we reveal snippets of the unused early script written for Conan the Destroyer!

Exterior, day.
A muscular lone figure wanders the desert, dressed only in a tiny G-string made from the fur of a rat. The rat is still alive and squeals with discomfort. It is Conan, mighty warrior, would be king, and world famous sex-machine.

V.O. (by Conan):
I am Cohnan. Burhberryan, dastroyar, mighdy worrior, wouldt be kingk and worldt famouz zex-majeen. After killing dat znakey bazdardt in my last moofie, I haf been lookingk for more adventure, eggzitement and women to bedt. Look, dere on da horizon, a cgastle. Dere I shall find adventure, eggzitement and plenty of women to zex up.

Conan begins to run towards the castle on the horizon. (Arnie's Notes: He runs really fasdt, because his legs are so massif andt powerful.)

Later...

Interior, castle, night.
A room full of beautiful women. Conan is having fantastic sex with them. All of them. All at the same time. There are also some angry men in the room staring at Conan. (Arnie's Notes: magke the men Vikings. Vikings are real men, dey wear hats widt big horns on dem). The men, sorry, the Vikings are attacking Conan, and he is fighting them. And he is still having lots of sex with the women…

Conan:
Urgh! Argh! Hurmmph! Mwooooaaaaaaarrrrrr!

The women:
Urgh! Argh! Hurmmph! Mwooooaaaaaaarrrrrr!

The Vikings:
Urgh! Argh! Hurmmph! Mwooooaaaaaaarrrrrr!

King Albequerque enters the room and walks up to Conan.

King Albequerque:(Arnie's Notes: King is played by da guy who played Fat Albert in da cartoons. He's sooo funny!)
Conan, now that you have slept with all my daughters and killed all my Vikings, I want you to find my lost diamond. It’s really big and shiny. If you find it, I’ll give you my wife.

Conan (thinking hard about this):
...it’s shiny, eh? ...hmmm...

Later...

In his travels to find the lost diamond of King Albequerque, Conan arrives in a small village. Here he finds Zondar the HorseConqueror has the diamond and is threatening to use it to summon the demon gods of the underworld to help him take over the world. He also has his eyes on Conan’s horse to be his Queen...(Arnie's Notes: Whodt da hell is dis crap? Zondar da HorseConquero? Lozt diamondz? Horze queenz? Whadt idtiot wrodte dis script? I will snapp his negg ligke... ligke... ligke... an ostrigch!Har! dat wouldt be vunny! An ostrigch widt a floppy snapped negg.)

Zondar the HorseConqueror:(Arnie's Notes: I wandt Charlton Hesdton vor dis partd):
Hmm... that is a mighty beast, Conan. I shall make it mine!

Conan:
Shuddup! I candt understandt a fing you are saying! I will bregg your armz andt your leggz andt your negg you puny liddle man! Now stop looging ad my horze likge dat! Give me da diamond!

Zondar the HorseConqueror:
Get your damn dirty paws of me, you dirty damn ape! (Arnie's Notes: dis is a goodt line, better magke sure I copyrighdt it) With the King’s diamond, I shall rule the world and your horse shall be my queen! Muhaaaaararararaaaaiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeesnaaaaaaaaap!...

Conan breaks Zondar’s arms, pulls them off his body and throws them in a tree, then snaps his neck in nine places just to make sure he is dead.
(Arnie's Notes: Maybe try to say someding witty here, ligke “Pull yourself together!� Harharhar, dats funtuzzic!)

Later...

Interior, day. A blacksmith's workshop.

Blacksmith:
What can I do for you, oh mighty warrior?

Cohnan:
I needt my sword repaired. The blood has made it rust, and cutting people in half all da time is magking it blunt.

Blacksmith:
I shall tend to it right away, brave warrior!

Cohnan:
...hokay.

(Arnie's Notes: I don’t ligke dis scene. I haf rewritten it my way below)

Interior, day. A blacksmith's workshop.

Blacksmith:
Whadt can I do for you, oh mighdty worrior wid massif arms and hooge pecs?

Cohnan:
I needt a phazedt plazma rifle in da 40 wadtt range ahndt an uuuuzi 9mm.

Blacksmith:
Sorry, I jusdt soldt the last one of those. How aboudt a nice big mallet instead?

Cohnan:
Dat would be funtuzzic.

Scene of Cohnan hafingk zex with Blacksmith's dawhter here.

(Arnie's Notes: Zee? Dat iz mujch bedder.)

Later...

Conan arrives at the Palace of Eternal Damnation. Here he finds a wizard who wil...(Arnie's Notes: Whadt is all dis crap? Too mujch story, not enuff agction. All dis story is giving me a headagche. Insert scenes of Cohnan bregging lotz of negcks ahndt armz and punjching a horze in da face (maybe I can uze diz bit in another moofie later?). Maybe zay zomeding witty here, too, while kicgking someone in da nutz. How about “Do you wandt to be a farmer? Well, here’s a couple of agchers! Har har har!� Dat is funtuzzic! I am zo funny! Dis moofie will magke a billion fugging dollars! I will buy myself a Learjet ahndt make moofies about killer robots anhdt sell Arnold-burgers to my fans! )

The End (Arnie's Notes: Maybe haf me kill zomebody during the credits, and den show me hafing zex with his wife?)

So there you have it. One wonders what might have been had they used this script. In the end, the studio either didn’t like Arnold’s suggested changes, or just couldn’t understand anything he’d written, and instead they secretly filmed Arnold playing in his backyard while drunk and inserted it into extra footage shot during Conan the Barbarian. Strangely, the end result is pretty much the same, really.

Conan the Destroyer, as with Conan the Barbarian, was filmed anamorphically at 2.35:1, and is transferred to DVD in this aspect ratio and with 16:9 enhancement. As for the look of the picture, what you’ll probably notice most throughout the film is how the image appears very soft. Director Richard Fleischer tells us in the commentary that cinematographer Jack Carter liked to shoot through filters for a “painterly look�. It can be a bit too soft at times because of this, yet other times the flaring and smearing of highlights is used to good effect. With this in mind, detail levels aren’t always very high, with some very soft backgrounds, as seen at the entrance to the castle set in chapter four or in the forest in chapter eight. At least the picture looks very clean with a print mostly free from blemishes only prone only to a little shimmering and tolerable edge enhancement.

Originally recorded in stereo, this DVD presents the film with a 5.1 mix at 448kbps, but like Conan the Barbarian, it's a fairly weak example of the format's capabilities unless a real full blown remix is done. Again it sounds like a fake wraparound mix, shifting audio through the channels with no real discrete qualities at all. Rather than directional cues and panning, the audio settles for extending the effects into the rears as an extension of the mains, not independent of them. The front stereo pair are used a little better, with some semblance of separation as lifted from the original stereo mix at least and some minor panning, but once again, this DVD isn’t going to be used for showroom demonstrations. Still, it is good at what it does, with a slighty more meaty sound than the first film, retaining clarity in the dialogue.

This Special Edition DVD is not a bad effort considering that it's a much weaker film than the first. This time there's no Arnie commentary (t'is a shame, because I wanted to hear more of him saying things like "Dat's a tree. It's a real tree, anhdt I ride past it in da next scene"), but instead we get an Audio commentary with Olivia D’Abo and Tracey Walter that you might be interested in listening to (but I wasn't) and another reasonably interesting Audio Commentary with Director Richard Fleischer.

Then there's a couple of small featurettes: Conan: The Making of a Comic Book Legend, which although only 14 minutes long is actually quite good, with a plenty of info from the guys who created the Conan comic book characters on their involvement in the films.

Basil Poledouris: Composing the Saga is another brief, yet interesting featurette running 17 minutes with plenty of face time with the composer of the films.

The remaining extras consist of an Original Theatrical Trailer, Behind the Scenes Photo Gallery and a Conan Comic Book Gallery.

When I was much younger, I thought Conan the Destroyer was much more enjoyable than Conan the Barbarian. But that's youth for you, and today being the wiser, slower and more considerate fool that I am, I can clearly see that Destroyer isn't really half the film that Barbarian is. It sorely lacks that primitive revenge element that drove Barbarian, but is still a reasonably enjoyable romp for fans of the big man.