Ghosts of Mars

Mars, 2176. Terraforming has almost finished turning the once inhospitable red planet into a... well, a slightly more hospitable red planet with a breatheable atmosphere... oh, and a shit load of vengeful killer ghosts led by Marilyn Manson. A freight train arrives at a station on autopilot. Lt. Melanie Ballard (played by Natasha Henstridge’s breasts) is the only passenger, having lost the prisoner she was escorting (played by Ice Cube's ego). In a hearing into the incident, she recounts the tale of how what started out as her team of officers on a routine prisoner transfer ending up as a battle to survive against the unleashed spirits of the long dead Martians (played by the Kiss Army) who have taken over the bodies of the human colonists. Or something like that. It doesn't really pay to think about anything in this film. You'd just be doing yourself harm.

But don’t you just love it when a film can be effectively summed up in just a few sentences? That’s the good thing about a John Carpenter film, the simplicity of the plot. But that’s about the only really good thing about this film. Other than some gore and a sly reference to The Thing, the film fails to execute the idea successfully. Half the problem is that you know who's gonna live or die way too early, so the film relies on blood and guts and screaming guitar riffs and shotgun blasts and stuff like that and sorry to say it but it just isn't all that interesting. I need tension, DAMMIT!

Look, I like Carpenter as much as the next person, but sometimes you just have to admit when someone you like creates crap. Be honest with yourself, just admit that it's not very good and move on with your life. It's not the end of the world, life will go on and he'll make another film. It will just hopefully be a bit better next time. But on the flipside, Ghosts of Mars isn’t as totally inept as some might make out, but it’s also a loooong long way from his heyday classics like The Thing or Halloween. I think what he needs is to go back and view his older work, chop his budget in half and discover the raw primitive essence that pervaded his best efforts. Either that or give up entirely, because it gets sad seeing him produce work that you just know is beneath him or could have been a whole lot better.

Still, good, bad or indifferent, it’s entertainment, I guess, and a diverting enough 94 minute slice of sci-fi/horror for someone after a brainless night in.

2.35:1 aspect ratio, 16:9 enhancement, and a crystal clear picture on a sesame seed bun. Just like those bloody annoying pickles in a cheeseburger, this visual feast does throw up some minor aliasing, but it won’t bother you as much as a pickle. Darker areas are occasionally flat looking, but with Carpenter at the wheel this was probably the intended look and a result of so much night shooting to give that remote, desolate and despairing and any other 'haunted by Martian spirits' look to the picture. Colours are fairly limited to blacks, reds and shiny bits and they all look hunky-dory with good saturation blah de blah blah... yeah, it looks bloody excellent, okay? Trust me.

Ghosts of Mars has some excellent sound design, with almost constant atmospherics and ambience utilising the surrounds to great effect. The best part is that it doesn’t sound overly gratuitous, rather adding to the sense of immersion into the story and settings. Dialogue can sometimes sound a little too low, especially with some actors speaking in slightly muffled hushed tones. The 448kbps DD5.1 mix isn’t of the “start in mono then get all funky in surround sound when the action starts then go back to mono again during the quiet bits� variety, wisely keeping small elements going most of the time. Of course, being Carpenter, there’s the obligatory rock score done by Anthrax, Cholera, Plague or whatever they’re called this week. I would have preferred he did his own score with his particular style of simple synth work, as this would have helped create a more moody atmosphere, rather than the impression you were watching some metal rock concert populated by rejects from the Mad Max 2 auditions. Overall, more good biffo stuff to compliment the picture quality.

For a complete dud at the box office, I'm suprised there's much to throw on this disc, but the extras served up here aren’t totally shoddy, I suppose.

First up is an audio commentary with John Carpenter and Natasha Henstridge. Now, I wouldn’t normally think that a commentary with Henstridge would be all that interesting, but this effort between her and Carpenter is not as bad as you’d think. Carpenter is as interesting as always, and he manages to lead Henstridge into getting involved quite well, with a virtual non-stop gabfest the result.

Video Diary: Red Desert Nights is a fairly forgettable little featurette with behind the scenes type footage, Scoring Ghosts of Mars is a peek at the process with Carpenter and the bands hired to perform the score, and then a look at some Special Effects Deconstruction.

The rest of the extras are made up of Talent Profiles, an Original Theatrical Trailer and Bonus Trailers for The Forsaken, Urban Legends 2 and The Glasshouse.

Pros: It's a John Carpenter film. It's a bit of mindless sci/fi/horror. It's got a great audio mix and good picture. It's got Natasha Henstridge in it to look at.

Cons: It's a crap John Carpenter film. The story is poor. The acting is poor. It's got the mum from the Partridge Family in it. It's probably the last Mars film we'll see after the poor performance of the Mars trio films made up of Ghosts of Mars, Red Planet and Mission to Mars.

So, those are the facts. I'm going to leave it up to you to decide if you want to see it or not. You have a brain, use it or lose it.