Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

Like, this is totally mondo bizzaro, y’know?! Here’s like this little disc thingy which says it has like Buffy the Vampire Slayer on it, but like it’s all wrong! Like what’s the sitch?!!!

First up, this chick that’s supposed to be Buffy, right?! Well, yeah she’s blonde, but like she’s not that chick who like kissed the other chick (eww!) in Cruel Intentions or anything like she’s supposed to be, and like she doesn’t even know she’s like the slayer and all in this!!! And where’s that stuffy but like roolly cool British guy Giles?! Instead there’s some like grody skank of an old creepy dude who’s like doin’ all that watchery stuff – which is WAY too dumb as like Buffy should already know she’s the chosen one, like she must have bumped her head or something totally depressing like that, y’know?! And like hello!!! Like we all know Buffy’s not the same without the Scooby gang, but like there’s no Willow, no Xander, not even like that totally cool dresser Cordelia, or that demon chick Xander thinks is toasty or that lesbian chick or that broody guy – like nobody!!! Not even that roolly gross Riley beefcake dorkeroonie loser boy that Buffy like bonked when she like obviously totally lost her brain somewhere for a while that time, y’know?! Instead for some reason like that guy with a forehead like a Ruffle who looks like, oh, roolly, roolly old – like 30 or somethin’ - that was in 90210 is hangin’ out trying to be cool and in with Buffy y’know, but like gag me with a spoon ‘cos he’s like just a big spazzezoidal, y’know?! And like he hangs out with this guy who like goes all floaty and stuff and who like looks like Drew Barrymore’s brother from like that ace film Never Been Pashed and stuff! And the fashions!!! I mean, like oh my god - barferoonie!!! It’s all so like retro!!! I mean, like there isn’t even one cool beanie in sight!!!!!!

So anyway, this bogus pretend Buffy has kind of a story, which is like somethin’ like this kind of. The impostor Buffy chick is just like chillin’ at school and bein’ all like cheerleadery and stuff, y’know?! But then that creepy dude starts like stalking her and then like tries to chat her up in the gym – like it’s SO gross!!! He’s tellin’ her that she’s like the chosen one and she has to like stop doin’ crucial stuff like hangin’ at the mall and all sorts of cool fun stuff like that so she can like hang loose in the graveyard and like stick sticky stakes in vampirey evil dudes instead like ‘cos it’s like her birthright and stuff!!! So how’s she supposed to like grow up and like go to Europe and like marry Christian Slater if she has to go all goth and wear black and waft around to like Sisters of Mercy and The Cure tunes then?!!! And anyway, like I couldn’t see like any birthrights anyway – I mean, like Buffy didn’t even bruise when she like got punched up by evil vampy dudes!!!!!!

"You want me to go to the graveyard with you because I’m the chosen one and there are vampires?� �Yes.� “...Does Elvis talk to you?"

What’s like ultra creepy is that like this fake Buffy chick was havin’ like weird dreams and all about this kinda stuff before the creepy skanky dude even showed up – like get out of my facial, how weird is that?! So now she has to like make an effort, y’know, and get all like fit and stuff and like punch stuff and like kick and like not scratch or bite so she can like kick vampire ass, which she like has to do ‘cos like there’s this even uglier than the creepy guy creepier guy called Lothos who’s like in town and wanting to like catch up with the bogus Buffy – and he like eats pussies and stuff – I mean wow, how ewwy is that and all?!!! And it isn’t like just one bad super skanky guy either, as he has this like sleaze that like hangs out with him who’s sorta like a cross between like that Alice Cooper guy and like PeeWee Herman – and he like kinda does that thing like those Garfields that your grandparents like stuck on their car windows back in the ‘80s like thinking it was like roolly cool and all, y’know, and he like loses bits and doesn’t like die and all sorts of dumb stuff like that – like as if!!!!!!

So anyway, there’s like the school dance and like everybody is there havin’ fun, but like false Buffy’s friends have been like shallow bitches and bailed on her – including that one who was a chick who was roolly a guy in that film Boys Don’t Cry y’know, which I thought was like a song by The Cure so I guess that kinda fits with like all the gothy stuff goin’ on and like y’know - so she’s like all alone, but then like the vamps attack and she like has to do something like whomp their butts and like save the world or somethin’ like that y’know, ‘cos she’s like the phoney chosen one like y’know and that’s kinda like what she does, yeah?!

Like, at first when I saw this like I thought it all looked kinda weird, ‘cos there’s like these annoying black bars at the top and bottom of the screen!!! But then I like took a chill lozenge and realised that hey, they’re not roolly like annoyin’ y’know ‘cos like if they weren’t there the picture wouldn’t be like as wide y’know, and like stuff would be cut off from the sides and like that would be roolly bogus, spazzy and grody!!! I mean seriously, like you’d have to be a real loser dorky Warner to not want those black bars when films are like supposed to have them so they like look the same as when you like go to the cinema y’know with your boyfriend and like sit up the back and like when the lights go off you get all like snugly and then you like pash and stuff and... like, y’know?! Well, like it could happen...

So yeah – well, like, all the picture stuff looks fairly toasty, there are like a few blemishes which could use like a touch of like serious cover stick (like Maybelline of course, ‘cos that’s like what the real Buffy like uses!) but like everything isn’t as retro or totally stale as like everybody in the film looks – like especially bogus Buffy – girlfriend, like what’s the sitch with that hair?! Like ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

“Audio quality�? Like who has a stick up their ass?! Like anyway, this film sounds pretty good, with like stuff coming out of the front speakers and like a bit from behind you, although that big black box thingy that like just sits on the ground and stuff – some sort of woofwoof or somethin’ weird like that – doesn’t do anything at all, which is like kinda dumb!!! But, like, all the stuff everybody’s sayin’ – even like the super grody old dudes and stuff, is all like easy to understand and stuff y’know? So that’s like super-cool, isn’t it?!!! And like there’s all this totally old like Gold FM like music and stuff, like “The Divinyls� and “The Cult� and “C&C Music Factory� and like that chick who walked funny and was in some band called like “The Bangles� and – oh, like way cool!!! That awesome Ozzy Osbourne guy who like has that super cool show on MTV like y’know?! Oh and some guy with a roolly dorky name called Carter Burwell like apparently did music – but just like the Buffy here he can’t be real ‘cos like he isn’t on any of my So Fresh compilations, like y’know?!!!

Hey, way cool!!! Like you press buttons on the remote thingy and like more stuff comes up than just the movie – like wow!!! On this one though there isn’t like much to like press buttons on – you can get like the MTV length version of the film, which these nerdy dorks like call a theatrical trailer which looks fairly cool but not like as cool as like the long version does but it’s like got even bigger black bars and all y’know, and there’s like two TV spots that are like hardly worth the effort of like pressing the buttons ‘cos they’re like over in just over half a minute y’know and they don’t have any black bars at all so stuff gets chopped off just like vamp heads and stuff and then there’s a thingy that’s like called a featurette which is like four minutes long and has all these people who are like pretending to be Buffy and stuff in the film when they’re roolly not like talking about stuff like they reckon they’re like actors or somethin’ like that!!! And there’s like pictures of movie cameras in there and stuff and – oh yeah – it’s like roolly loud, y’know?!!!

Like people beware!!! Like I said earlier and stuff, like this says it’s like Buffy the Vampire Slayer y’know, but like it isn’t roolly – it’s like Sunnydale gone back like hundreds of years to like the early ‘90s, and everybody’s like different and like not right and like silly and stuff. Like it’s still good fun, y’know, and why is that name Joss Whedon who is supposed to be the guy that wrote this like so familiar and stuff to me? I dunno... but anyway, if nothing else this like proves that whilst chlorine may be like kryptonite to blondes, we can like still kick serious buttitude if we like roolly have to. But the real Buffy does it heaps better!!!!!!!

Wow, all this like effort typing and stuff y’know, and I didn’t even break a nail!!!!!!! So, can I like bail and go shopping now?!