Assassins

Wachowski Brother #1: Dude, we need to make the big time in Hollywood, or we’re gonna be comic book artists and fluffers for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?
Wachowski Brother #2: We need to make the ultimate killer film, something like they’ve never seen before, something that will make people question their very own reality, and make certain film critics have accidents in their pants when they talk about the film.
Wachowski Brother #1: Yeah! Then those fat cats and huge-ass lame-o’s with no talent will sit up and listen to the Wachoski Brothers! So what kind of film do we make? Wachowski Brother #1: Dude, yeah! I got it, how about a film about a possible alternate reality run by computers that is powered by human battery farms?
Wachowski Brother #2: Dude, way cool! And our reality is just a programme, and the good guys are trying to smash the system to free mankind?
Wachowski Brother #1: Yeah dude, and it’s about the rebirth of someone who it has been foretold will save humanity...
Wachowski Brother #2: ...and he doesn’t know it! Yeah, and he’s got a name like “Neo�, which is really “One� spelt differently, or maybe “Dog� which is really “God� or er... “Strich� which is really “Christ�!
Wachowski Brother #1: And it’s full of pretentious dialogue that means nothing and references to Alice in Wonderland and philosophy and The Wizard of Oz and Rin Tin Tin comics and will make people dedicate their lives to building webpages trying to analyse what it all means...
Wachowski Brother #2: ...and we both know that it means nothing and that those people are losers and should spend more time with their girlfriends because they bore people to death thinking they are smart when they are dumb and boring...
Wachowski Brother #1: Yeah, and the film can have guns, lots of guns, in it!
Wachowski Brother #2: Cool, what else?
Wachowski Brother #1: Er, dunno. Can't think of anything. Maybe they fly around on wires and do karate and shit?
Wachowski Brother #2: Huh? Sure, if you think it will look cool...
Wachowski Brother #1: Okay, we’ll think about that a bit more, but we can invent new effects where we zoom around people and stuff in super-slow motion so we can do stuff like watch a bullet get fired from a gun from all angles…
Wachowski Brother #1: Yeah, and we’ll use it all the time, so by the end of the film people will be really sick of the effect...
Wachowski Brother #2: ...and we won’t tell people we stole the idea from a Sting music video!
Wachowski Brother #1: …because he's the only one who knows where Zion is…
Wachowski Brother #2: ...who, Sting?
Wachowski Brother #1: ...yeah, I mean, no, er, I dunno, maybe, shit I’m excited, I think I’ve had an accident in my pants!
Wachowski Brother #1: ew, dude...
Wachowski Brother #2: Yep, I did number one...
Wachowski Brother #1: Dude! We rock!
Wachowski Brother #2:Yep, and hopefully no-one will ever remember that we made this Stallone film first...

Why do all Stallone films have this sort of darkish look? Is it supposed to look moody or something? I mean, the transfer is okay – nothing to write home about, or if you’re at home already, then nothing to send an email to your best friend about - but it has this kind of gritty look about it, which is part transfer related and part shitty cinematography related. Colours are so-so, depth to blacks is good, and clarity is good. No awards handed out here, but a reasonable rehash still.

...and the slight mediocrity continues here. I just expected more from this. More “oomph�, “boom�, “crack� and “wallop�. Many times I found the audio very underwhelming, and a bit contracted. From time to time it would open up a little and excite, but the overall impression is of a lost opportunity to go nuts with the mix and blow people’s heads off with decibelic-overload (is decibelic even a word? I doubt it, but who cares?) On the plus side, every mumble from Sly and every “tchtchaha, owowowowww� from Banderas is crystal clear (or maybe that’s a bad thing).

Mediocre? Did I say that things so far have been mediocre? Compared to the extras, the transfer is a shining ray of digital light to behold. The extras consist of text screens for cast and crew bios and filmographies, and some more text for a brief and pitiful Behind the Scenes section.

There’s also a 'recommendation' section if you want to watch other films that have either Stallone, Banderas or Whitney Houston in them. Go ahead, take your pick, rent one of them and live life on the edge.

By this point, I think I’ve watched far too much Stallone in a week, even if I do like this film (having watched it many times on VHS). It’s entertaining in the way many Stallone films are, but watching these things back to back really numbs the senses and makes you want to watch something like Heat to get your brain back into gear.

The DVD transfer, while nothing special, is fine but bland, the extras not worth mentioning, and I notice that I’ve been drinking a lot more since watching this Stallone boxset.