Hard to Kill

I love trashy action movies. Generally, I can excuse the obligatory cliches - the on-the-edge vigilante cop, the incompetent henchmen with terrible aim, the over-the-top snarling villain, the moronic storylines, the virginal bimbo in distress, the pedestrian-endangering car chases and the gratuitous violence - as I accept that they're, well, obligatory. It's impossible to make a decent action flick without at least some of these ingredients.

But even I have my limits, and Hard To Kill well and truly pushes them. Sure, Steven Seagal films aren't known for their cerebral content, but the level of idiocy found in this 1990 effort defies belief.

Seagal plays the hysterically named Mason Storm, a cop whose wife is murdered by the minions of a corrupt politician afraid that Storm is about to bring him to justice. Storm is put into a coma by the attack, and wakes up seven years later in a recovery unit staffed by Andy Stewart ('80s sexbomb Kelly Le Brock, formerly Seagal's wife). It appears that the tanned and muscular Storm has been lifting weights and sunbathing whilst in his coma, although to be fair it still takes him a full two days to get back to peak physical condition. Acupuncture is a truly remarkable thing...

Pursued by a score of inept heavies who couldn't hit an elephant with a machine gun at five paces, Storm must expose the devilish politician and wreak brutal vengeance upon all and sundry. And in a flurry of arm breaking, eye gouging and leg snapping, he does so. Excuse the spoiler.

This is an action flick by the numbers; artlessly directed, joylessly performed and brain-numbingly scripted. It's no Under Siege. Hell, it's not even an Above the Law. But if you read the cover blurb and look at the star, you'll know what you're in for, and will have no reason to complain.

We get two versions of the film: a widescreen 1.78:1 image (16x9 enhanced), and a full screen pan and scan job on the flip side. It's a nice touch, as I have friends who prefer to view pan and scan versions. Cretinous friends, mind you. Just joshin', to each his own...

The picture is decent - pretty much grain-free, with no aliasing problems - but there is one major issue worth bringing up. The bottom quarter of the screen suffers from a severe shimmer that intrudes at irregular intervals throughout the film. However, as I've read several other reviews that make no mention of this - and I can't see how Warners could release a DVD with a problem this obvious - I assume that it's just a fault with my disc.

The Dolby 5.1 mix is serviceable enough, but certainly doesn't draw attention to itself. The atrocious musical score does though, with the constantly "waa-ing" '80s-style guitar licks sounding very dated indeed.

There's nothing to see here.

If you have no patience with brainless martial arts flicks, you'll find Hard to Kill hard to watch. Even diehard action junkies should consider it a rental at best, and then only if you're really stuck for a fix. Not Seagal's finest hour (but far from his worst: see The Patriot, On Deadly Ground and Fire Down Below. Actually, don't...)