What exactly is the fascination of all these sci-fi shows, where all you do is have someone wear melted latex on their head and name them Quem-hardar or NongBidet for a doofus nerd to find you the most stimulating thing to happen since multi-level pocket protectors?
I mean, I liked Star Trek in its various guises, maybe not so much the latest one – what’s the deal there? They invent the warp drive but forget how to make lights? It’s always so bloody dark! Is this a metaphor for coming out of the dark ages or something? Too deep for me. I want hologram nude chicks and space battles between nine-headed intelligent chickens and Amazonian women from Venus.
After soaking up this DVD, I’m convinced that any idiot can make a sci-fi television show. I’m any idiot, so here’s my idea...
The good guys: A ragtag team of misfits on the run from the law in three separate galaxies. They travel the universe looking for fun, romance and stuff to blow up.
Capt. Jonah Magnadoodle
Tall, handsome, well built, articulate, hung like a space-donkey (that’s like a regular donkey, but it lives in space). In his spare time he likes to wrestle wild Arcturian boars while reciting Poe. He dreams that one day he can stop running from the law and finally be reunited with his wife, who was last seen dead.
Weapons Officer and Social Activities Co-ordinator, Bonox Playdoh
On the run from galactic police who want her for mutilating her husband. Then stuffing the body into a barrel. Then setting the barrel on fire. Then toasting marshmallows over it. Her favourite colour is blue. Has a head shaped like a 1981 Ford Fairmont grill.
Science Officer and Bartender, Boony’Shanewarnix
Rebelling against his strict upbringing, he stowed away on Magnadoodle’s ship and has been a part of the team ever since the Captain realised he could mix the perfect Bloody Mary and speak 9000 languages. The fact that he stole his parents American Express Hyper-Platinum Credit Card also helps when the ship needs repairs or booze.
Spiritual Guidance Counsellor, Malarkus Sarsparilla.
Materialised on board Magnadoodle’s ship (The Mighty Kukamunga) during an electrical storm in space and can’t figure out how to get back off. A very angry man. Has five eyes, two of which are shortsighted, the other three nearsighted. Evolution has compensated him by giving him bullbars sticking out of his forehead.
There you have it. Now all you have to do is steal the scripts from Neighbours each week and replace the names and add in random words like ‘Fingalian Hypercrystals’, ‘Zrumdeezian Meganorgs’ and ‘Ultra-Galactic-KFC-Mealdeal’.
I think we have a winner!
As for this show, well, let’s take a look at how it compares to my version.
203. Heart For Falsehood Framed
When two unlikely races fight over ownership of a valuable jewel, the unlikely Capt. Hercules tries to have the matter settled through peaceful negotiations. Meanwhile, his unlikely crew have their own unlikely plans for the unlikely jewel.
This episode features: An alien with an ant head, an alien with melted mozzarella cheese on its head, a jewel that looks like a Soothers cough drop and the lamest bit of fighting this side of Walker Texas Ranger.
Kevin Sorbo in outer space? Why not just put him in a leather thong and give him a sword while you’re at it? Is there to be a guest spot on Xena one day? That would be quite cool. Xena in zero-G would help ratings a lot.
I think this was a bad ep to start my Andromeda experience with. The acting is shocking, the story lame, the outcome dull, the action non-existent, the tension and humour on holidays. The only thing going for it is the hologram ship chick is a bit of a babe.
204. Pitiless as the Sun
The Inari are getting their freighters blown out of the sky by some unknown attackers, so they ask Capt. Hercules to help them out. He and his unlikely team discover the bad guys are really bad guys you don’t mess with. Meanwhile, the purple chick is lured down to the Inari planet and is probed by Cancer Man from The X-Files.
This episode features: floating killer eggplants, the best character from The X-Files, bad acting and consoles that shoot sparks everywhere when the ship is hit with missiles.
A better episode with a little more action. The whole sub-plot about the purple chick is sooo contrived it’s better ignored. But still, the purple chick is a bit of a babe, and she has a tail, which is weird.
In the end, based upon these two episodes, I can't imagine that things get much better. At best, I'd imagine that the best it has to give is equal to the worst of ST:TNG in most respects.
Looks like we get a pan and scan of a 1.78:1 image, even though the framing looks fine. Still, that’s no reason not to give us the real McCoy, is it? Administer a slap on the wrist and let’s move on, shall we? What we do have here is a fairly good looking picture, not perfect, but not damn bad for a television show. On relatively still shots with little movement, detail is good and sharp, with a slight blurring lag on finer detail during movement. I thought shadow detail to be average at best, but other areas are fine in most respects, such as colour, contrast, clarity, coconuts, etc etc. Overall, it’s good, but the pan and scan will no doubt turn many off.
The audio had much potential, although it missed the mark - but do we ask too much of a minor television show? A surround encoded Dolby Digital 2.0 mix at 448kbps, the show does little with the rear channel and that is the single biggest disappointment here. The soundstage for the most part sits firmly in the centre, which does an okay job for the most part, but a few times dialogue sounded muffled to me, to the point of a not understanding words here and there. Not likely a transfer issue, as many moments were definitely a by-product of the recording. What little usage the rears do have sounds like simple wraparound or ambient noise at best, without any sense of directionality or panning.
It would appear that The P’hlegm Spit’Ar have banished the extras to the Forbidden Zone for eternity and declared this DVD to be free from bonus material.