“Okay people. We’re short on cash and need a little box office pickup in a hurry! What do we do? Any great ideas?”
“How about a love story starring Ben Affleck and J.Blo? We’ll call it ArseChin”.
“I know, I know, what about a war story set in Prague. But here’s the catch – it’s set in 2045 and it’s a war between humans and mutant cows! We’ll call it Saving Private Bovine!”
“C’mon people, I’m not paying you to sit around all day doing nothing but think up stupid film concepts!”
“Yes you are boss. It says so right here in my contract. '...As head of creative concepts, it is your responsibility to come up with stupid film concepts which the gullible movie going public will flock to see…'”
“…how about another sequel?”
“WHO SAID THAT?! You! Over in the corner! Who are you?”
“I’m the janitor, sir.”
“Okay toilet-boy, what did you say about a sequel?”
“Well, you see sir, if you want to make a few quick bucks from film and the follow up video and DVD markets, all you have to do is make another sequel. You’ve been doing it for years. You’ve already used and abused the Halloween story like a cheap hermaphrodite whore in a Bangkok brothel. Just make another. The fan-boys out there will snap it up quicker than you can say “Only fat nerds drink Jolt Cola”.”
“That’s a mighty smart idea you have there, poo-brush-pusher. Consider it done. Say, how would you like a real job?”
“I prefer cleaning up your shit, rather than making it or having to watch it, sir.”
...and so the possible discussion that went into the making of Halloween Resurrection went.
From there, they assembled a quality cast consisting of Busta Rhymes, Tyra Banks, Sean Patrick Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicolas and Bianca Kajlich, utilised the world's current obsession for voyeuristic reality television, mixed in the Internet craze, brushed off the William Shatner mask and a steak knife and made a film.
Hang on, that last bit should have read “...and made a shit film.” There, that’s better. Let us look more closely at the film...
Busta Rhymes? Who is Busta Rhymes? What is he doing in this film? And why does he talk with his eyes closed? I also couldn’t stand the way he speaks. He twists his face into a grimace with every word spoken. However, I might see if I can change my name to Busta Vince. That would look cool on my licence.
Tyra Banks. Man, what a babe. The stuff of adolescent (and adult) fantasies. A perfect example of the unobtainable female form. But, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, that won’t ruin my chances of ever sleeping with her, she can’t act for shit. In one scene, she makes a cappuccino and does all these elaborate little dance-type moves, and it is so bad I wanted to cry. Mind you, I also wanted to pour the cappuccino over her body and then lick it off, but I still thought she sucked eggs.
The rest of the cast. Lame. All sexy young girls and guys to appeal to the right market. I think that market is the “Hi, I’m 14 and stupid and have no clue” market. The potential for a bit of nudity couldn’t save them. This is not one they’ll be adding to their resume when applying for work at Starbucks. I think I recognised two of them - the one I wanted to take off her top didn’t and the one I didn’t want to take off her top did. What kind of cruel world is this we’re living in?
Jamie Lee Curtis. She only features for a few minutes at the beginning. She deserves better. Still, it’ll take a lot worse for her to tarnish my fond memory of her striptease in True Lies.
Michael Myers. Why not just call him Satan? I mean, the f*cker is evil and simply will not die. Oh, and just in case you’re new to Halloween, or indeed Hollywood in general, here’s a spoiler for you: he doesn’t die in this film either. Oh, you think I spoiled it for you now? Loser. What did you think was gonna happen? If you want to kill him, you have to trap him in a really big blender, say, big enough to puree an elephant. Then you have to liquify the bastard, then strap the remains to a nuclear device and detonate it somewhere out in space. But, knowing Hollywood, they’ll figure out a way for the fallout to rain down on the Earth, and have his evilness infecting some plants, which come to life and begin stalking stupid teenagers who have been locked in a scary plant nursery overnight. See, you can’t win. Those Hollywood bastards are always one step ahead.
The story. Well, a reality entertainment based company recruit a bunch of stupid kids with no redeeming features to spend Halloween night in the childhood home of Michael Myers. They have headcams and mics attached to them, so that the event can be broadcast live over the Internet. But they didn’t plan on Michael Myers coming home, did they? Knife goes swoosh, blood goes splat, kids go dead.
And Vince goes zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
