Analyze That

Hi, Vince here. I’m unable to write this review for you because I’m currently in the Fresh Produce Witness Protection Programme. You see, recently I insulted the quality of the broccoli at the local fruit and vegie shop. The owner got quite mad and threatened to stick a carrot in my heart, so I panicked and went to the cops. They suggested I go into hiding for a while, and possibly drop fresh produce from my diet. Therefore, I’ve asked my dad to write this review for me. I hope you don’t mind. His accent is a little thick. Take it away Pop...

Buon giorno, I ama Vincenzo’s father, Vincenzo Snr. He ask me to review disa DVD, I say “Hokay!� I really enjoy da first moofie, Analyze Dis, it wasa very haha. Nowa dey make da Analyze Dat. Maybe nexta dey make da Analyse Da Udder Ting? You see? I make da funny! You laugha ora I breaka you face!

You know, before I watcha dis DVD, I was tinking, "Hey, Vincenzo, maybe ima gonna laugha about sumpting funny, you know, when Mr. Crystal or Mr. DeNiro make da faces or dey shoot someone in da head, or when Roberto he cry!"

But, molto sorry, I laugha buta I no laugha asa much asa da first film. I laugha maybe eight times really good, and maybe six times a little laugh. Not nearly enougha laughing stuff for a comedy. I tink dis wasa lazy, kinda like-a my wife calls me lazy, but dis DVD, it doesn’t mow da grass, so maybe its even lazier dana me, I dunno, wadda I know? I just write da bloody reviews and drinka da vino, I no make da films!

Anda speaking ofa my lovely wife, she says after da film, "Eh, Vincenzo, I lika da film, but I no like-a very much, because da moofie, she's a gotta lotta swearing and nota enough funny, you capish?"

I say "I capish!"

I can't believe I was in Raging Bull.

Da story, she's hokay, nota very hokay, justa hokay. You see, Paul Vitti (Signore Roberto De Niro-o), she is in da prison still from da first moofie. But Mr. Vitti, she gona mad! She is singing and dancing and acting all crazy, like she was ina da West Side Story! Da Effa-Bee-Eye, dey aska da nice-a Doctoro Sobel (Mr Billy Crystala) to take-a da good care of Vitta and make-a him a betta. Doctoro Sobel saysa "No!" Da Effa-Bee-Eye say "Yes!" Doctoro Sobel say "Hokay!"

So, Signore Vitti move ina wita de Sobel familigia, and de Doctoro has to make Vitti better again. Butta, we finda outta dat Vitti nota so crazy, anda hasa da biga plans!

Mr Crystal, he'sa funny man. He make-a da funny moofie ina da Mr Saturday Night anda da When Georgio Metta da Sally. but ina disa film, he nota so funny. He falla down, he getta mad, he crya like a da baby. I laugha some, I laugha some more, a no laugh no more.

My God, Mr. DeNiro! Your bellybutton is deformed! And you have boobs!

Mr DeNiro, he isa da little funny too. He make-a da mad face, I laugha a little bit. He make-a da sad face, I laugha a little bit, he singa da song, I laugha da little bit, butta only because ifa I no laugh, he come around to mya home and he make-a me weara da cement shoes anda trowa me into da birda bath in my fronta yard.

Butta da first filma, she is more funny danna dis filma. Dis film, like-a my lovely wifa he say, "Isa lazy." Si, it isa lazy film. Isa a little funny, is a lotta lazy. Capish?

My wife-a say "Hey Vincenzo! Disa picture, she looka fantastico! You sure-a dat Roberto De Niro he not ina side our television set? He looka like he is ina there! Mamma mia!" Anda my lovely wife, she is right! It isa a lovely looking picture. The colour is beautiful! The people they are so clear dey move around lika dey are ina da room wit you. When the stripper she dances on the screen, Vincenzo Jnr try to puta some money in her undies. My wife-a say “Hey Vincenzo Jnr! Where-a you learna that!" anda he saya "Papa show me lasta week!" My little boy, Vincenzo Jnr. say that it isa also presented ina da 1.78:1 aspecto ratio (nota 2.35 like-a da cover say!), anda it isa 16:9 enhanced. He saya that is molto importante for our widescreen television. I not know anything about it, I justa like-a to watch da news wita Sandra Sully in Hi-Definition. Mmmm, Sandra, molto bella!

Anda da sound, mamma, whena Roberto he scream "F*CK!" I too screama "F*CK!" because I toughta he scream "F*CK!" ata me! Madonna, I getta scared, my wife she getta scared, but thena she getta more hangry because she no like-a da swear. She tell me to turn it down, so I turn it down. The sound, it comes froma the left speaker, it come froma da right speaker, and it come froma the centre speaker. It sounda nice. It sounda clear. Some sound come-a from the back speakers, but nota much, just a little bit. Dats hokay, I no mind. It still sounda very lovely. I giva two meatballs up.

Da nice Signore Harold Ramis he a lovely man, he make us a nice commentary to listen. It's hokay, nuting special, because he talks, but he no talks a lot. Lot's of not talking. Maybe Mr Harold he was tired, or he was busy writing story fora Analyze Da Udder Ting? I dunno. Disa not so good.

Den I watcha da Makinga of.. featurette, which isa nice too, but is only 11 minutes. Everyone is nice to each other, they saya da nice tings, but, eh, you learna nuting.

Den, after I watcha dat, I playa da game called M.A.D.E. Dis isa da interactive Mafiosa Associate Degree Exam, and itsa justa lika da one I took years ago whena my papa wanted me to follow ina his footsteps. My papa, he always say "Vincenzo! Go to school! Get a good job! No be a bludger! Be respected by the people, they will look upa to you, become a gangster." I say "Hokay, Papa!"

Der is also da Theatrical Trailer and Casta anda Crewa Filmographies. Nowa you cana tell people what films dey made and looka like a da smart-harse!

Disa film is a funny, nota as funny as firsta film, but still a funny. I still prefera da first film, but I also prefer my mamma's spaghetti rather dan my wife's. But, eh, what you can do? Roberto, she isa da funny man, Mr Billy, she isa da funny man, and dey make you laugha some. And Ifa I looka really hard, I cana see some people from my village backa in Italy ina da background. Dey isa eating the gobbagool with Paul Vitti’s henchmen, so I tink maybe dey is doing good for demselves now. I knew dey would become da successful people! Arrivederci baccala!