Here was humble I thinking this would be a good blokey DVD to put on while the snags were cooking on the barbie. So I invited some mates around and bought some beer. Then I fired her up only to be looked at in abject horror by my (now ex-) mates as the likes of Britney Spears (‘Geez mate, check out her hooters’) and the Spice Girls (‘Which one would you do first, mate?’) came on.

Other performers garnered some very blokey comments too. Pink received a ‘Cheesus, she’s got a big mouth’ while the Baha Men actually had me in fear for my life when they sang that Who Let the Dogs Out? song. I would have thought The Vengaboys would work in my favour with We Like to Party!! (The Vengabus) but instead I received a pummeling the likes of which I haven’t received since my four older brothers discovered ads for male underpants under my bed at age eight (I still hold that I was framed).

By the time Steps came on with their atrocious 5, 6, 7, 8 I was numb from the head down and had been urinated on by two of my burlier friends. To make matters worse, The Saddle Club and Hampton the Hampster get two tracks each on here and I sadly feel I’ll never see that uncomfortable spatula again.

If only I had invited a bunch of little girls around, but the judge says I’m not to do that anymore. However, there is something still mildly disturbing about this sort of DVD being aimed at little girls (and liberated little boys I suppose). I’m not sure how comfortable I am with performers singing about doing it right and doing it all night. I’m also surprised none of these tracks turned up on Triple J’s Hottest 100. Surely someone voted for Nikki Webster’s Strawberry Kisses? Oh well.

I’d give a complete track listing but it’s so hard to type using just my mouth and a pencil.

Picture quality is as you’d expect from a small black and white screen on a hospital monitor (they charge by the hour you know). It fluctuates between letterboxed 1.78:1 and 4:3, depending on the budget I suppose. Otherwise it’s all watchable (visually speaking). As to aurally, well, I’ll come to that.

Now I’ve come to the aural bit. This is in Dolby Digital stereo and doesn’t have any real issues regarding sound quality, but of course some of the lyrics may make you puke with horror. Particularly with the updated Chipmunk sounds of Hampton’s Haemorrhoids or whatever they’re called. Naturally we only get English (sans subtitles).

Extras come in the form of two bonus clips that can’t really be construed as extras in my book. I mean, the front and rear of the case state categorically: 25 Clips of your favourite stars from the Barbie®™ Party Mix CD Series. (Oh God, there’s a series?).

Plus, those two clips are Hampton Headcase and The Saddle Club. This doubling up is partially responsible for why I’m breathing through a tube right now.

If you have a little girl, she will probably squeal with delight to receive this but, as Newton said, every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Girls squeal = parents gag. Either that or their eyes fill with blood, and I’m not sure which would be the better option.

Now I really have to stop typing. It’s morphine time.