Pacific Banana

Oh for the days when sexism was funny. What a world that must have been.

Before I go on I have to give you the content of the film first so you’ll know what I’m talking about...

Martin (Graeme Blundell) has erectile dysfunction. Because he shagged two female members of the same family, he has this trouble (inexplicably). Unfortunately one of them was the wife of his boss and he soons finds himself working for another company as a pilot. This company, Banana Airlines (sounds reputable), carries passengers back and forth between Australia and the Pacific Islands.

And for some reason that seems to get people all hot and bothered and wanting to shag all the time or something. Martin’s new best mate (the other pilot) is a real misogynist who’s engaged to the two flight attendants and has girls in every port, as it were. He signifies his ‘ownership’ of the women by pinning a small bell to their underwear. Meanwhile Martin is being pursued by a third woman from the family, the daughter of his former employer. And Martin still can’t get it up although there are plenty of opportunities and women willing to try and sort out his little ‘problem’.

"Maybe she got eaten by cannibals… "

With bumper lines like that quote above, this is appalling and I don’t care what sort of kitsch value anyone wants to attach to this sort of film, it’s garbage. The acting is atrocious, the scripting is not even good enough to be called a joke, the budget of 50 cents is poorly spent and the objectification of women is disgraceful. Plus, being made in 1980, what was looked upon as comical back then has become quite unfunny today. Objectification of women, anti-gay humour, erectile dysfunction and many others are all hopelessly antiquated and although there is still a charming innocence to the film, for the most part it’s just embarrassing.

It’s titillation, pure and simple, with plenty of abject nudity thrown in. I can only imagine the crowd who ever thought this shit was funny. Overcoats, thick, thick glasses and a three-day growth ahead of nervous, shifting eyes. I tried to find something funny in this and someone getting hit in the head (an eternal classic) was all that got the laugh.

This truly sucks.

Shot on film in 1980, the picture quality here isn’t too bad, considering. There are occasional film artefacts here and there, but the picture quality is fairly clear. Colours are fairly even and blacks are true to life (unlike the script). Shadow detail is long gone, however, but the thousands of acres of flesh tones are all natural enough. All of this crazy ‘hilarity’ is given to us in the full-on widescreen ratio of 1.78:1 with 16:9 enhancement for widescreen tellies.

Cracking Dolby Digital stereo brings us every flat one-liner, every crazy comedic booooi-oi-oi-oing-ng sound effect and every tinnily delivered scrap of music. The narrator though is the real horror of this film (and that’s saying something!). He delivers the most irritating, subliminal, double entendre and offensive string of crap I’ve ever had the misfortune to listen to. The film may have - may have - been watchable if, and only if he was removed. My God.

There’s nothing to say the DVD creators aren’t generous, though once we dive into this saucy selection, the generosity may appear surface-strong only.

Pacific Banana Unpeeled is a recent 25:51 featurette interview with director John D. Lamond. He proves the years haven’t educated him one tiny little bit as he discusses everything from ‘knockers’ to ‘birds’ and from ‘dolls’ to ‘boobs’. This is a truly nauseating featurette made all the worse by the inclusion of a topless waitress that Lamond can’t help making a comment on. The ‘writer’ Alan Hopgood also turns up for an interview soundbite or two, and between the two of them I cannot believe they are discussing this film like it’s high art. Honestly, they’re deadpan serious. It’s nauseating that dinosaur opinion like this is still out there.

Confessions of an R-Rated Movie Maker is left over crap from the first featurette in which Lamond wails plaintively about how hard it is to be an R-rated filmmaker and how no one will take him seriously. Dude, you describe women as ‘birds’ and breasts as ‘ripper knockers’. Do the math.

A photo gallery of 34 half-nude pics about the size of postage stamps follows, along with a Deborah Gray gallery of 20 pics; one of which includes Ugly Dave Gray. I’ve no idea if this is a family photo or not.

Sexy Oz Retro trailers follow for The True Story of Eskimo Nell, Fantasm, Fantasm Comes Again and Pacific Banana. Woo, I’m so queuing up for those releases.

Deborah Gray and Luan Peters’ audio single ‘Trouble’ is next which features the original sleeve image and is worth listening to the first six seconds of.

There’s also a crappy, heavily pixellated jacket picture if you want this image on your TV all day and a comedic Easter egg in the DVD credits, which don’t really count. On the extras page highlight the (ahem) nipple to see them (as if we care).

If you have more money than brains, this one’s all you baby. I like how they covered their arses with the quote on the back of the sleeve:

‘It might not be to the taste of the critics – as usual – but it will certainly entertain all those hundreds and thousands of moviegoers who enjoyed the bawdy comedy of the Alvin Purple pictures’ Thank you Movie News for that.

Well, for once I’m with the general population of critics. This film is a piece of shit and is so hideously antiquated as to belong to the 19th century. If you like your titillation free of those bothersome scripts and don’t have the balls to purchase full-blown porno DVDs, then this one will suit you.

Just remember that watching this sort of film prolongs the survival of this sort of outdated and embarrassing humour. This stuff has novelty for the first ten seconds, if that, before it just stinks up your DVD player. Don’t waste your money. You worked harder for it than the guys making this film did.