Raw Deal

In local news, film historians today revealed they have discovered a long lost cache of old Arnold Schwarzenneger moofies. Said lead historian, Ezra K. Frontnuts, “It’s a truly wonderful moment for the human race! With todays bland action heroes struggling to fill cinema seats, it’s good to know that we can always yank an old faithful off the shelf and dose up on “HIGH OCTANE EXCITEMENT!� (Paul Wakater, The Pascoe Vale Independent Veterinarian News).�

"HOLY CRAP! You got bigger boobs than me!"

When questions arose of the relevance of Schwarzenegger in todays world, and undeniable increasing popularity of new comers such as ex-wrestler, The Rock, Frontnuts responded tersely, “Does The Rock “PUSH ACTION TO THE LIMITS!� (Midge Ure, Upper Avondale Heights Weekly Auto Trader News)? Does anyone really think that Vin Diesel “BURNS UP THE SCREEN WITH BALLS TO THE WALL ENERGY AND TESTOSTERONE!� (Dee Snyder, IlliterateFilmCritic.Com). The answer is a firm “NO!� (My wife in bed, 8.45pm October 19th, 1998).Only Schwarzenegger has the ability to stand on screen and create “THE GROUSEST ACTION BLOCKBUSTER NOT DIRECTED BY A NAZI THIS WEEK!� (Leigh Paaaaatsch, The Wednesday HeraldSun Film and Moisturiser Review).�

“It must be remembered, that long before these current musclebound, grunting, unintelligible hunks of sweaty raging hormones hit the screen with a bloody thump, one man kicked in the door with a size 15 boot, blew away audiences with his phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range and punched critic’s testicles into their throat, essentially raising the bar for every wannabe action hero to follow. That man, ladies ands gentlemen, was Arnold. He took the genre and made it his own. Without his style there’d be no Stallone, no Seagal, no Dolph Lundgren. Granted, that wouldn’t be a bad thing, but it is what it is, and The Rock, et al, should bow down at his feet and beg forgiveness lest he snap their scrawny little chicken necks!� continued a visibly excited Frontnuts.

"Uhm ah luhmberjuck andt I'm okay..."

“And it would be wrong to think of Arnold as just a mindless thug with nothing to add to the world through cinema. Take this epic, Raw Deal, for example. On the surface it may appear to be just a story of a man infiltrating the mob in order to wipe them out with extreme prejudice..� said Frontnuts, by now stripped down to his waist and smearing strawberry jam across his chest. “..but no siree, BillyBob, it’s much much more! Arnold also educates! Believe it, it’s true! Yes, he gives vital dietary advice to a nation of lazy contented lardasses and couch butts. In one particularly emotionally draining scene, we witness Arnie leaning dejectedly against the kitchen sink, his wife drunk and baking a chocolate cake for dinner. They’re arguing about having lost 5 years of their lives hiding out in witness protection and the burden it has placed them under. Does Arnold console her? Does he run to her side and whisper sweet words of a better tomorrow? No! This man, this mouth breathing knuckledragger, as you would call him, actually remarks that chocolate cake will make them fat!. Brilliant! That’s not all, he even tells her “Don’t drink and bake!. All this from an 18 year old film, long before the TAC made ‘Drink and Drive’ messages trendy, let me remind you!�

"Har har, you have a small penis! Mine is hooge!"

While this reporter applauds Frontnuts’s enthusiasm, and perhaps even shares his faith in the entertainment value of the talking Austrian Human Sausage, it must be said that Raw Deal isn’t exactly one of his best film and serves more as a reminiscence piece for those looking to revisit distant cinematic moments from their past.

Oh, and the bit where he shoots the hell out of everyone while driving a convertible and playing the Stone’s “Satisfaction� is still way cool.

Details very soft, and maybe detail isn’t even a good word for it, because this can hardly be called detailed at all. Look at the opening hit job in the woods and the picture really just makes a bit of a mush of the foliage, the trees, the dirt, the branches, the squirrels foraging for food, the deer rutting with the bears, etc etc etc. Later on, it doesn’t get any better, with characters not standing 6 inches from the camera reduced to indistinct levels of facial information. This is one DVD that wouldn’t suffer if you turned the sharpness on your display up a notch or ten.

And don’t you go expecting much from the sound either, okay? Arnie or not, this is about as weak as they come. The Dolby Surround mix is next to useless, with a muddy front stage and the barest hint of an attempt to make anything wrap around your head. The weak bass gives the gunplay nothing to work with and lacks any real impact. Action scenes with shootouts and yelling and such are a mess with the track struggling to separate it into anything coherent. Not nice at all, and showing its age.

Budget release + bare disc = spend more time reading a good book. This week I recommend you pickup a copy of “Easy Riders Raging Bulls� by Peter Biskind.

You’ll either be the sort of person who will ignore this DVD entirely, or grab it because of the tricks your memory plays on you when you think about the films you enjoyed in your youth. Let’s face facts, as much fun as this seemed nearly 20 years ago, it’s just not the same thing now. Arnie has done better, much better, and the simple violent thrills just don’t add up anymore. If it was a competent film with an engaging storyline and quality acting you could forgive it and just have some mindless fun, but it isn’t and you won’t. Believe me, it hurts to admit it, ‘cause I’m an Arnie fan, but that don’t change the facts.