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  Specs
  • Widescreen 1.78:1
  • 16:9 Enhanced
  Languages
  • English: Dolby Digital Stereo
  Subtitles
    English - Hearing Impaired
  Extras
  • Theatrical trailer
Final Examination
Roadshow Entertainment/Roadshow Entertainment . R4 . COLOR . 97 mins . MA15+ . PAL

  Feature
Contract

What a pile of shit.

Really. That’s the only way to describe this ham-fisted mockery of film and softcore pornography. And it’s not a mockery in the parody sense, just in its poor production values, its woeful acting and its shithouse story.

There’s this girl, Rachel Kincaid, who dies in an apparent suicide five years back. Today there’s a cop on the edge (cliché #1) who’s the best his lieutenant has ever worked with (cliché #2). And the Lieutenant’s name? Wait for it… Hugh Janus. Can you believe how pitiful that is? Anyhow, after a bust goes bad (cliché #3) he gets shipped to Hawaii (cliché #4) and is soon called in to investigate a murder involving one of several sorority girls who have been called to the island for a photo shoot.

He and his partner, a plucky and feisty girl with something to prove (cliché #5) soon have another sorority girl murder on their hands. It’s a serial killer alright, and the rest of the sorority girls are next (cliché #ad nauseum). In the meantime anyone who can is having sex with anyone else who can, and we must suffer through endless streams of titillation that in no way affect or even belong in the story to begin with. There’s a shower scene with one girl showering for like two minutes, soaping her charlies like there’s no tomorrow while the camera attempts to tease the sad lonely viewer with hopes of a flash of bigger game.

This is the biggest pile of shit I’ve watched in ages, and the plot is truly laughable. There has been little reference to actual police procedure, the way the characters carry their guns is comical, the one-liners clang like a death knell, the ‘tension’ (a generous term) is stretched to the obvious ‘film filler’ or ‘run-out-the-clock’ limit and the doer, when we finally learn who it is, is so convenient as to be nauseating. Plus, there’s even another twist on the already dud ending by making it even worse and less believable.

This is a pile of shit. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Do not be fooled by the case that shows every grasping titty moment in still photos to trick the unwary into thinking it at least has some decent sex scenes in it. It doesn’t. They’re unbelievable for a start, and tacked on. The exposure of breasts is so deliberate as to almost hear the director panting behind the camera as he searches for change in his pocket. Don’t be fooled. Avoid this DVD like its got syphilis.

Because it has.

  Video
  Audio
  Extras
Contract

The picture quality is okay here, though its nothing to get excited over. Shot for TV (this is glaringly obvious) I imagine it found a sad audience in the pay-per-view market of late-night drunken TV watchers. It’s given us in the blistering 1.78:1 format with anamorphic breast enlargement and looks as good as a pile of shit from 2002 should look.

Audio quality is granted us in the usual manner of Dolby Digital stereo and this does the job, though some dialogue gets lost in poor delivery or worse writing. The music is practically invisible until the titty scenes when it starts sounding like a pathetic porno film. You know, at least porno is honest about itself. It declares its pornness with pride. I’ve never understood soft porn; people who like porn hate it and people who don’t like porn hate it, so where the hell is the market?

By way of extras we get the most pathetic trailer ever devised which is delivered in anamorphic 4:3. What the hell is up with that? Framed by a three inch black border, it’s like looking through one of those 25 cent binocular telescopes you find on lookouts.

My recommendation to you, gentle reader, is to ignore this with vigour as you stroll through your video store on rental night. By no means should you consider purchasing this massive steaming pile of fresh shit. I don’t even recommend renting it. Don’t even look at the cover. Don’t even acknowledge this exists. Don’t even read this review.


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  •   And I quote...
    "The exposure of breasts is so deliberate as to almost hear the director panting behind the camera… "
    - Jules Faber
      Review Equipment
    • DVD Player:
          Teac DVD-990
    • TV:
          AKAI CT-T29S32S 68cm
    • Speakers:
          Teac PLS-60 Home Theatre System
    • Centre Speaker:
          Teac PLS-60 Home Theatre System
    • Surrounds:
          Teac PLS-60 Home Theatre System
    • Subwoofer:
          Akai
    • Audio Cables:
          Standard RCA
    • Video Cables:
          Standard Component RCA
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