Folks, let me tell you about Barney. Barney is like a Beer. He's big, purple and after you've had a few hours of Barney, you just want to punch anything that challenges your manliness. You look at your wife different. You ask what your co-workers are staring at. You realise why 4 year old kids have a glazed look on their face. You wanna drive your car too fast in reverse in carparks. You want to take out an intervention order against your parents. You want to take hard drugs. If you don't take drugs, you want to start. You start drinking too much. If you already drink too much, you don't want to stop. You wish you were dead.

You wish dvds were never invented. You wish Osama Bin Laden was the real identity of Barney so you could join the army and help track him down and kill him. Him Barney, him bad man, very bad man. Don't fool yourself, Barney blows. Reviewing Barney while pregnant harms your baby. If you Barney, then review, you're a bloody idiot. Wipe off Barney, and stay alive. If you're a reviewer and your choose Barney, you're a bloody idiot. If you're a reviewer and you choose TWO Barney dvds, you're a bigger bloody idiot.

<---Look at the cover shot to the left! GO ON! Look at it! LOOOOOOOOOOOK!

If ever there was a case for using DNA testing to determine the father of Alvin Purple, this is it. If ever there was a case for involuntary euthanasia, this is it. You see, Barney is Bad for you. Barney wouldn't last two rounds with our own Humphrey Bear. Stick them in a WWF Cage-of-Death, and Humphrey would bitch-slap him into a corner, then punch his Jay Leno head into a bloody pulp. AUSSIE! AUSSIE! AUSSIE! Oi! Oi! Oi!

But seriously folks, we can excuse some American products coming into the country like Beverly Hills 90210, flavoured condoms, NTSC, Oprah and even Dr Pepper, but Barney? Cmon, we've got enough wiggling issues of our own to deal with, let alone a singing and dancing purple piece of blu-tak.

Arghhhhh my eyes! Dees goggles do nutting! Ow, My freakin' ears.

Interesting to note that Barney is the precise shade of purple of a cheap bottle of wine and curry thrown up the morning after a bender. I think this gives you a bit of an insight into the state of mind the people who created this abomination were in when they thought him up -or threw him up.

Suffice to say, this abuse of dvd technology reproduces this colour perfectly. It's so good you'll gag. The sound is good as well. Barney's voice in glorious Dolby Digital will make you want to punch the person next to you. We advise you don't watch this dvd with your kids for this reason.

As if the main feature wasn't enough psychological torture, they've maliciously thrown in a big fat purple bucketload of extras to keep your kids sedated and pummelled into submission. I'm not gonna bother going into depth, suffice to say that if someone discovers that there's a hidden child mind control section to turn our kids into deadly sleeper agents and a link to a revolutionary Barney Underground Movement, I wouldn't be suprised. In fact, I totally expect it.

Go on, buy a Barney, then chuck a barney. You have been warned.