As some of you may be aware, I’m an idiot. This is because I was diagnosed with mild brain damage after watching the first Barney DVD a little while ago. My doctor told me to stay clear of the big fat purple bastard for a while, lest I fall into a coma and Satan try to drag my soul down to Barney Hell. He also told me that as a side effect, I would insert random frogs into my sentences. Sorry. I meant random words. And now the walking talking blu-tac is back to torment me again.
Barney Brand Condoms - For when you REALLY want to be sure that you'll never have sex again.
Wanted: Dead or Not Alive – Osama Barney Laden. For crimes against stupidity.
The Surgeon General advises that a Barney a day may lead to mental inbalance.
"How do you shoot Barney in the back? What if you miss?" Verbal Kint, The Usual Suspects.
"I'll be Barney." The Terminator.
"Go ahead. Make my Barney." Dirty Harry.
"Get away from her, you BARNEY!" Ellen Ripley, Aliens.
"I love the smell of Barney in the morning!" Apackakids Now.
"Darth Vader betrayed and murdered Barney." Obiwan Kenobi.
"Well, you're not blue enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney." Joey Tribbiani.
"In Barney's suit, no-one can hear you scream." Alien.
"You Barneys, you're all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occassions." Raiders of the Lost Barney.
"So, Lord Barney, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time." Lonestar, Spaceballs.
"As God is my witness, I'll never, never watch Barney again!" Gone With the Wind.
Harry Tasker: "Ask me a question I would normally lie to."
Helen Tasker: "Do you like watching Barney?"
Harry Tasker: "Yep!"
- True Barneys.
"First you get the Barney, then you get the power, then you get the women." Barneyface.
"I'm prepared to scour the the Earth for that purple turnip. If Barney goes to Indochina, I want a nigger waiting in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in his ass." - Pulp Fiction.
"I remember Paris perfectly. The Germans wore grey, you wore blue, Barney wore purple" - Casablanca.
"If it's Barney, we can kill it." Predator.
"General Barney, would you care to step outside?" Superman II.
"Sit down and shutup you big purple f@#k" Snatch.
"The night of the fight, you may feel a slight sting. That's Barney f**king with you. F**k Barney. Barney only hurts, it never helps." - Pulp Fiction.
"Barney, for lack of a better word, is good. Barney is right. Barney works. Barney clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit." - Wall Street.
"Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?" Maximus Barnius Purplus, Gladiator.
"Hereeeeee's Barney!" - The Shining.
"You want answers?"
"I want Barney!"
"You can't handle Barney!"
- A Few Good Men.
"What do you mean, I'm Barney?... You mean the way I talk? What?... Barney how? I mean, what's Barney about it?... But I'm Barney how? I mean, Barney like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to f--kin' amuse you? What do you mean, Barney? Barney how? How'm I Barney??... How the f--k am I Barney? What the f--k is so Barney about me? Tell me? Tell me what's Barney!..." - Goodfellas.
"Now you listen to me, you smooth talking son-of-a-bitch! Let me lay it on the line for you and your boss, whoever he is. Barney will never get that movie! I don't care how many purple dago guinea wop greaseball goombahs come out of the woodwork!" - Godfather.
"Hello Barney. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!" - The Princess Bride.
"I pray that I may never see that Barney again. Hear me, God" - T.E. Lawrence, Lawrence of Arabia.
The main feature is 55 minutes of pure hell. There’s Barney and singing and dancing and puppet shows and some other freakin’ weird looking yellow and green dinosaur things and stupid ugly kids and somebody please help me!
I'm also pretty sure all the kids on the show are gay. Or will turn out gay one day. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
My God! The colours. It’s like technicolour vomit! All those garish greens and yellows and blues. My world is normally so grey, I found these colours to be disturbing. They are just so in your face. If your kids go nuts on red cordial, then they're gonna OD when they see this! The picture quality is a bit hum-ho though. The compression is far too tight, with lots of macro blocking to be seen. I think the compressionist took one look to make sure the machine was switched on and went to lunch with this one. Don't blame him, really. Is it a real problem, though? Well, unless your kids know what "macro blocking" means, I doubt it. And if they do know what it means, tell them to come write for DVDnet because we could always use a few more reviewers.
Can you imagine the possibilities of Barney in surround sound? He could sneak up behind you and scare the bejesus out of you when you're least prepared. You'd spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder for purple dinosaurs trying the old Greek shuffle. But thankfully, even though this is in DD2.0 surround, they don't try anything this sinister. But the clarity of Barney and the kids singing camping songs and being so bloody polite to each other will drive you insane anyway. If you're feeling horny but you've run out of contraceptives or protection, try playing this DVD at 100 decibels. That'll get rid of any erotic thoughts floating around in your head.
And then there are the extra features. Oh boy. There are a few here, and my sanity is wearing thin, so here's a quick rundown:
Barney’s Musical Scrapbook. Running at 50 minutes, this is like an entire extra main feature. Double the Barney, double the terror.
Read Along Book that you can read along with. Or not.
Video Jukebox with 35 songs! Sweet mother of mercy! 35! I nearly cried just trying to watch this. I tell ya, after the second song about green grass growing around holes or some crap, I had to go get a beer. And there were still classics like The Muffin Man Medley and Sheep Medley to come. I doubt all the beer in the world could make this easier to watch.
Previews of other Barney titles. To prepare yourself for the nightmares yet to come.
An Interactive Area that utilises your PC DVD drive. I can’t provide any info about this section because when I put the disc in the drive my computer committed suicide.
Behind the Scenes. In this area you can read about the kids on the show (gee, I can’t wait to find out where they live so I can go have a few quiet words with their parents), read who the Dinos are, read about the creative team behind Barney and what kind of drugs they were taking when they thought him up. And there’s also a “What we learned today” section. This outlines what educational benefits they’ve passed onto your poor unsuspecting child with this drivel... sorry, DVD. Things like: It’s okay for dodgy adults to dress up like dinosaurs and play with little children without proper supervision while singing songs like “Wee Willie Winkie”, and prancing about like a big ponce. I tell ya, there are laws against this kind of thing in some countries. Bring back capital punishment, I say.
Easter Eggs: Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the rumoured easter egg of Barney getting his head kicked in by Vin Diesel.
