Thumbtanic

Bloated, boring, drawn out, too long, melodramatic, clichéd, expensive and over hyped.

No, that’s not me in bed. I'm talking about James Cameron's sinky-boat-fest Titanic. It's a pity he didn't get a chance to watch Thumbtanic first, because he might have seen how it should have been done and saved himself a few hundred million and saved us having to hear him proclaim himself “...King of the World!�

Thumbtanic is everything Titanic isn't. It's short, running at an arse friendly 27 minutes. It doesn't have Leonardo DiCaprio. It's better acted, with every part played by a cast of talented up and coming thumbs. It doesn't have Leonardo DiCaprio. It doesn't have Billy Zane. It doesn't have Kate Winslet. It wasn't directed by James Cameron. It doesn't have Leonardo DiCaprio. Did I mention that already? Just in case…

It doesn't have Leonardo DiCaprio.

The plot, much as I feel stupid describing what happens in a film about thumbs taking a trip on a doomed boat, involves some thumbs taking a trip on Thumbtanic, a really really big boat that's doomed. Well, then again, it might seem like a big ship to a thumb, but how big would that really be to say, a whole arm? Let's say that Thumbtanic is scaled to the size of thumbs, so then it would be maybe ten metres long at best. That might be impressive for a bunch of stupid little thumbs, but it's not really that big to us, is it? If it was 400 metres long that would be impressive, even for a whole person, but more so for a thumb, which is only like four or five centimetres long, unless you're some kind of freak and your thumb is ten centimetres long or something, in which case how big the boat is isn't that important and getting your thumb looked at by a doctor probably is. Eek... a ten centimetre thumb... you make me sick you freak! I'm gonna have nightmares.

Back on to the story. The performances are quite good. Jake has charisma, and a certain something, a certain indefinable element, which marks him out as a force to watch out for in future. His performance reminds me of a young Marlon Brando tempered with the wit, verve and romantic leading man qualities of a Cary Grant. His counterpart, Geranium, is thumbed with style, grace and melancholy, reflecting her character's station in life and desire to be more ‘common’. Gone is the stilted characterisation of Winslet, replaced with a panache which evokes the power of Garbo, the flirty innocence of Hepburn and the nose of Streisand.

The editing is paced with a sure footing which belies the complexity of the storyline, drawing upon trusted Eisensten principles to develop the requisite tension and pathos. If there are any flaws, it would be that the supporting thumbs aren't given as much depth of characterisation to fully flesh out a world of elegant and privileged thumbs contrasting a harrowing existence of third class immigrant thumbs doomed to be the first to a frigid watery grave.

Oedekerk, coming off the success of Kung Pow – Enter the Fist, manages to strike a balance between a young woman's romantic yearning for a jolly good rogering in the cargo hold and the grand adventure epics of Hollywood's Golden Days. With a deft thumb, he has assembled an intricate and detailed picture full of dashing figures and sweeping vistas which should be applauded for its authenticity, grandeur and dexterity.

It probably would have been asking a bit much to have Oederkerk make this filmette in an anamorphic 2.35:1 aspect, so don’t shudder when you see that it’s a full frame presentation. Besides, the vertical orientation of a thumb better suits a full frame transfer rather than the more cramped scope alternative. This framing gives the thumbs plenty of head (or is that thumb?) room. It isn’t as sharp as could be, with finer levels of detail missing. Hang on, everything on screen is based around the scale of a thumb, so the finer levels of detail would be, like, dirt molecule sized, or something, so ignore my previous comment. When the credits roll, you can see that it’s not the best in clarity and sharpness. But seeing as how it was probably made with televsion or VHS at best in mind, it'll do.

The biggest let down is that this isn’t a 5.1 channel mix, opting for stereo instead. It's a pretty average mix, but no major complaints because what little we get is okay. Thumb-dialogue is good, thumb-foley work is good, thumb-ADR is good, general thumb sound design is good, but it can be a little too recessed and lost in the stereo effect. Kind of hard to complain, really, when you put it all into perspective. You're watching thumbs act on screen. Get a grip.

Commentary – Oederkerk, et al
Director Steve Oederkerk, and many other people involved in the production, ramble on about the film without actually divulging anything of an in-depth nature. Oederkerk even laments this fact when his probing questions are met with responses of the variety "Well, we had to find a way to do it, so what we did was do it, right, and then it was, ah, done." It seems the Thumbation process is a bit of a guarded secret as well. There’s a lot of talking over one another so you'll have to listen closely at times, but it only runs 27 minutes, making it tolerable.

Trailers - 6
A plethora of Thumbation film trailers, with Thumbtanic, Frankenthumb, Bat Thumb, The Blair Thumb, The God Thumb and Thumb Wars. That's a lotta thumbs.

Storyboards (00:48)
Self running, this shows a montage of boards in quick succession. Note how the drawings make the thumbs look more like half a banana, or maybe a little like an egg, possibly even some kind of peanut, rather than thumbs. This just goes to show the trouble mankind has had in faithfully representing thumbs in artistic endeavours. The struggle goes on.

Cast Interviews (03:35)
The cast of thumbs discuss their acting background, their involvement in this film and what they’ll be doing next.

Easter Eggs
Even though it’s barely worth the effort, check out our Easter Eggs section to find out how to access these bonus bits.

Yet another bizarre entry into Steve Oederkerk's oeuvre, Thumbtanic succeeds admirably in being a film about star-crossed thumbs taking part in a historic voyage, but it fails miserably in being a film about the feeding habits of Madagascan mountain goats. Don't let this put you off though, for Madagascan mountain goats aren't nearly as exciting as people make them out to be. Thumbs, on the other hand, are essential to human survival (remember: without thumbs, we couldn't simultaneously hold a Stephen King novel in one hand and fire a gun at Seventh Day Adventists).