The Real Cancun

Right up front I’ll admit to being probably the world’s biggest hater of anything termed ‘reality television’. I think this blight on our televisual society is slowly but surely sounding the death knell for quality television entertainment, with its cheap production, lewd titillation, manufactured ‘real’ dramas and ‘empty calorie’ entertainment value.

So why am I reviewing this title? Let it not be said that I’m closed minded, biased and dismissive, as I’d rather give something a fair chance before tearing it a new a-hole. Therefore, I believe that The Real Cancun, the so called ‘World’s First Reality Film’, whatever that means, deserves the benefit of the doubt.

And frankly, after watching it, I regret attacking the medium as I have in the past. As God is my witness, from today onwards I have resolved to redouble my efforts and refocus my hateful vehemence for all things ‘reality television’, so bad is this turgid pile of shit.

Oh sure, the creators of this particular piece of trash want you to believe that it is a step up from anything you’ve seen yet, with more drama, more excitement, more nudity and more stupid vacuous people than ever before. The plot is simplicity in itself: Take a bunch of sex mad, stupid, incredibly vain, dumbarse, moronic, f*cking pathetic, shitfaced alcoholic, hateful, deserve-to-die college kids on Spring Break to a Mexican party beach and film everything that happens. Sounds interesting, yeah?

I’ve had hemorrhoids more interesting than this.

We witness a cross section of youth engaging in such reality based and culturally enlightening activities as wet T-shirt competitions, spank-a-thons, eating pie off a woman’s body competitions, drunken dancing at clubs and try to get in the sack with anything that moves, then philosophical discussions about why he or she has a bug up her/his arse. For the fellas watching this, go right to chapter fvie, fast forward for two and a half minutes to get to the wet T-shirt competition, then go into the bonus features for the extended version of it, and you’ve seen everything you need to.

"I haven’t ‘kersplooged’ in, like, a week. My balls are the size of melons!"

Seriously guys, when will you just admit once and for all that you only watch this crap for the boobs? Please, no-one is fooled, like you really give a damn whether Kyle and Sarah get together in the end, you just want to see them have sex. Here’s a tip: buy a porno instead, it cuts out all the boring inane relationship crap and gets right to the dirty bits.

For the girls, I’m still trying to get a handle on your attraction to the reality TV concept. From what I can make out from the discussions I’ve had with the demented women I know, it appears some of you actually genuinely are interested in the whole ‘relationship/interaction’ thing. I think it comes down to these shows being like a living version of Who Weekly, New Idea, Cleo and all those types of idiotic make-believe junk-press rumour-mongering snot rags. You girls have finally found a legitimate way to perv in on the relationships of other people and not be accused of snooping. Admit it, ladies, you love to talk about other peoples’ relationships, who’s right and wrong for each other, and who so and so should get married to.

In fact, just as I write this, my wife is telling my son it’s time for his shower so that she can settle in for the night to watch The Bachelor. Soon, I’ll be hearing cries of “That idiot! How could he pick her!? She’s a bitch!� coming from the lounge, followed by sobbing tears of joy over Trista and Meathead’s televised wedding.

As for me, I promise you that I will never again volunteer to review a ‘reality’ based DVD.

For something filmed one week, edited down and shown in theatres the next week or some time frame similarly hectic, this looks real purdy. Colours are rich and vibrant, showing off the nice scenery around Cancun to great effect, even if most of the story is situated either indoors at the hotel or one of the many party spots. It’s one of those godforsaken places that seems to be bathed in sunlight all year round, so all the daytime scenes are bright whether indoors or out, and there’s hardly a place that has what you’d call a dark recess. I half expected to see the look of digital video marring the image, seeing as how that would have been the most likely choice of format for something like this, but whatever they’ve used has in fact got a reasonably nice filmic appearance with only the slightest appearance of being squeezed a little too tightly onto this DVD.

Stereo or full 5.1 Dolby Digital, take your pick, either is more than up to the job at hand. The 5.1 blows out the musical impact a lot harder, not that there’s anything effects-wise to shift into the rear channels, so it’s mainly just the stupefying beats of whatever shit-hot band of the moment is plying its wares over the top of the idiotic antics of our heroes. They’ve at least done a great job of making sure that you’ll never miss a beat with the unscripted dialogue, or they’ve edited the dodgy bits out. Not something that’ll tax your system, but it’s not something that needs to anyway.

On the off chance the main feature doesn’t contain enough inanity to satiate your need for pathetic voyeurism, you’re bound to find something in here which will fill your brain gut to its vomit bursting limits.

Beginning at the top of the tree, but at the bottom of the pond of human evolution, we have the Cast Insights, which, just in case the main feature didn’t set you straight on the matter, will make it absurdly clear just how f*cking stupidly sad all these people are. From dipshit himbo Casey, who epitomises all that is wrong with the human gene pool, to Alan, who went to Cancun a seemingly nice non-drinking dork but turned into yet another idiotic drunkard because of peer pressure, I found this featurette to be more interesting than the main feature itself. Cutting out the pointless titillations and focusing on the participants by way of basic interviews presents a better and more intriguing viewpoint of where their parents went wrong in most cases.

Six deleted scenes gives some airtime to some of the lesser seen inhabitants of the hotel, but it’s still the same bloodyminded stupidity on display. For the guys, and lesbians I suppose, there’s another wet T-shirt contest in here to get excited about.

A Day at the Beach contains an extended version of the wet T-shirt contest seen in the feature, a pie eating contest that will either put you off pie forever or have you rushing down to your local cheesecake shop, and let’s not forget the spanking contest that is a God given right of drunken vacationing students worldwide.

Highlights from the Theatrical Premiere introduces the main cast for interviews again, but this time as they stroll down the red carpet it’s clear that none of them have actually seen the film that they’re about to watch. We visit them again after the viewing, and most of the questions focus on how they’ll be perceived by their parents, friends, loved ones et al. They all put on a brave face and claim that most will love it, but deep down inside you just know that they’re horrified and have just experienced what it’s like to see yourself acting very stupid for the first time. This film is going to haunt some of them for the rest of their lives. For that, I’m happy.

Finally, thank God, we get to relive the pain of the original theatrical trailer and seven television spots, after which you can finally put the DVD away and kill yourself for having ever watched it in the first place.

As much as I hated all the people and the shallowness on display, I have to say that it actually isn’t too bad a set of extras. Perhaps the only missing thing is a cast commentary, which would probably contain comments like: “Oh shit dude! Look at who I scored! I rock, dawg! Wait... my dick isn’t that small in real life, is it?� and “Even though I’m nude in this scene, and I’m kneeling in front of that guy I don’t know, I still love my boyfriend very much and he’s the best person in the whole world. I’m not normally a stupid vain slut. Seriously.�

Okay, nitty-gritty, if you like this kind of entertainment (for whatever reason – it’s your brain you’re wasting), then on this DVD you’ll find more of what you’ve come to enjoy from the ‘rampaging hormone’ variant of reality TV. But it’s nothing that you wouldn’t have seen before on The Villa, in fact it plays out remarkably similar to that show.

The quality of the DVD is very good for the content, from the clarity of the picture and audio, to the abundance of bonus material which pads out the main feature by some. This has been sitting on the rental shelves for a few weeks by the time you read this review, so if you must, feel happy that your five bucks for a rent gets you pretty good value, even if I do think the money would be better off spent on a kebab and a Slurpee.